Read the best collection of funny retirement quotes, sayings, jokes, puns, one-lines, captions, status messages, and slogans, (with images and pictures) to help your co-worker celebrate retirement with sarcasm and humor if they can handle it.
Retirement refers to the time of life when one chooses to permanently leave the workforce behind. Retiring from your career is a huge life milestone whether you’re happy about it or not.
Also See: Retirement Wishes
The traditional retirement age is 65 in the United States and most other developed countries, many of which have some kind of national pension or benefits system in place to supplement retirees’ incomes.
When people retire after all the hard work for years, they have more time to themselves but their income is limited. So it’s both a happy and not-so-happy situation.
These jokes and puns are on the benefits one enjoys which come with retirement and the after-effects.
Also check out our post on me time quotes and self care quotes which will inspire you to have more mental clarity, focus, and give up the habit of overthinking.
Funny Retirement Quotes And Sayings
- “You’re retired – goodbye tension, hello pension!” – Unknown
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“You can retire, but you can’t retire from being great!” – Anon
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“Retired but hard at work. Spoiling my grandkids.” – Unknown
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“Retired. Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.” – Unknown
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“The money’s no better in retirement but the hours are!” – Unknown
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“What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays? Retired!” – Anon
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“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons
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“Except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.” – Robert Benchley
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“The challenge of retirement is how to spend time without spending money.” – Unknown
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“There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.” – Robert Half
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“Working people have a lot of bad habits, but the worst of these is work.” – Clarence Darrow
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“I am so busy since I have retired, I may have to go back to work to get a rest.” – Uncle Dude
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“Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache unless you play golf.” – Gene Perret
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“Before you’d have to wait for holidays, now the rest of your life is one! Do enjoy it.” – Unknown
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“Retirement is when you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.” – Unknown
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“I retired early for health reasons. My company was sick of me and I was sick of them.” – Unknown
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“I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day.” – Gene Perret
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“The legend has officially retired. If you want to talk you’ll be charged a consulting fee.” – Unknown
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“Retired is being tired twice, I’ve thought, first tired of working, then tired of not.” – Richard Armour
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“Retirement marks the transition from working under one boss to a new one called wife.” – Unknown
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“No more alarm clocks for you – you can go back to sleep or get up – it is entirely up to you!” – Unknown
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“Warning: Retired person on premises. Knows everything, and has plenty of time to tell it!” – Unknown
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“Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.” – Gene Perret
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“When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez
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“Your retirement bring out a lot of emotions in me but I’d have to say envy is the biggest one!” – Unknown
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“Retirement is when you switch bosses from the one who hired you to the one who married you.” – Gene Perret
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“Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” – Gene Perret
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“Retirement: That’s when you return from work one day and say: “Hi, Honey, I’m home – forever.” – Gene Perret
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“Retirement is waking up in the morning with nothing to do and by bedtime having done only half of it.” – Unknown
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“Retirement: No job, no stress, no The best part about being retired is never having to request time off.” – Unknown
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“I’m not just retiring from the company. I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.” – Hartman Jule
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“Happy days are here at last. The days of 9 to 5 are past. I’ve worked all my life and paid my dues, now… I’ll do what I choose!” – Unknown
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“When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.” – R.C. Sherriff
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“We have no porch, no rocking chair – and no time. My biggest need is a calendar because there are so many things to do.” – Maurice Musholt
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“Retirement, a time to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, where you want to do it, and how you want to do it.” – Catherine Pulsifer
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“Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.” – Jonathan Clements
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“Congratulations on retiring from your job before the soul-crushing despair of your workplace destroyed your chances of enjoying retirement.” – Unknown
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“Retirement is the beginning of the time when you can sit back and give advice to others, even though you never followed it in your own life.” – Unknown
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“Happy days are here at last, the days of nine to five are passed, you’ve worked your life and paid your dues, now you can do just what you choose!” – Anon
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“Now it is your turn to be shown the door. Retirement is a polite way of saying you are past your due date and you need to get out. Happy retirement.” – Unknown
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“Retirement is the only thing that will make you realize how you wasted all these years trying to be mature when you can get back to being a child at the end of it all..” – Unknown
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“Retirement Schedule: Monday – brush teeth. Tuesday – comb hair. Wednesday – trim nasal hairs. Thursday – shower. Friday – put on clean clothes. Saturday – shave. Sunday – consider changing underwear.” – Unknown
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“There is no need to be bound by convention, push the envelope, do it weird, do it different, but most of all, do it fun! Be that cigar-chomping rock’n’roll granny if it takes your fancy.” – From “101 Fun Things to do in Retirement” by Stella Rheingold
Funny Quotes About Retirement
Funny retirement quotes make light of a person’s final job and help people cope with their new stage of life. From funny retirement one liners to retirement toast quotes, short puns and funny sayings about retirement have a variety of uses.
- “Goodbye to 9 to 5. Hello, time!” – Unknown
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“Officially retired. Let the fun begin.” – Unknown
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“Retirement: No job, no stress, no pay!” – Unknown
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“Retirement is just a never-ending vacation.” – Unknown
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“Strategic retirement plan: rest, relax, repeat.” – Unknown
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“Happiness is being like you – retired!” – Catherine Pulsifer
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“Retirement is when having a good time is your only job.” – Anon
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“Retired. Under new management. See wife for details.” – Unknown
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“I am a free man. I feel as light as a feather.” – Javier Perez De Cuellar
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“Think about retirement as being two six-month holidays per year.” – Unknown
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“The world’s longest coffee break is often referred to as retirement.” – Unknown
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“Retired nurse. Under new management. See grandkids for details.” – Unknown
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“Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living.” – Anon
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“Just chill out! You have worked hard all your life… You deserve it!” – Unknown
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“I don’t always enjoy being a retired police officer, oh wait, yes I do!” – Unknown
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“Now Fridays aren’t the best day of the week anymore… they all are!” – Unknown
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“I don’t want to, I don’t have to, you can’t make me do it. I’m retired!” – Unknown
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“Behind every retired man is a wife, wishing he would go back to work.” – Unknown
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“I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy.” – Danny McGoorty
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“Retirement itself is the best gift. No gold watch could ever top it.” – Abigail Charleson
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“You might be on the back nine of life, but it’s good to finish strong.” – Morton Shaevitz
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“Age is just a number, but retirement is one of the greatest gifts to mankind.” – Unknown
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“Retirement is not the end of the road. It is the beginning of the open highway.” – Unknown
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“Caution: Retired: Knows everything and has plenty of time to tell you about it.” – Unknown
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“If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.” – Paulo Coelho
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“It’s sad to say goodbye, but great to see you are on your way to greener pastures.” – Unknown
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“Stop sending us cards of your holidays. Some of us are younger and still at work!” – Unknown
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“When is a retiree’s bedtime? About 30 minutes after they fall asleep on the couch.” – Unknown
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“Why do retirees smile all the time? Because they can’t hear a word you are saying!” – Unknown
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“Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to great places. You’re off and away!” – Dr. Seuss
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“Don’t act your age in retirement. Act like the inner young person you have always been.” – J.A. West
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“Just think, you’ll never have to sit in on another conference call. Enjoy your retirement!” – Unknown
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“Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors? Because the term comes with a 10% discount.” – Unknown
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“Often when you think you’re at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else.” – Fred Rogers
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“If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.” – Doug Larson
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“How do you know it’s time to retire? It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!” – Unknown
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“Just when the woman thinks they got rid of their kids for living in the house, the husband decides to retire.” – Unknown
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“I never reveal my age, but I do let people know I’m retired. They can just guess my age from that statement.” – Unknown
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“Retirement is the time when you never do all the things you intended to do when you were still working.” – Unknown
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“Retirement is a blank sheet of paper. It is a chance to redesign your life into something new and different.” – Patrick Foley
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“I work harder now that I have retired from corporate life, than when I actually worked, but I love it.” – Catherine Pulsifer
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“We no longer follow traditional retirement models. We have rebelled against them.” – Margaret Nash, The Retirement Rebel
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“Retirement can be: Volunteering, fun, freedom, working less, travel, family, friendship, new business, hobbies.” – Unknown
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“It doesn’t matter whether you behave like a grumpy retiree or not… because people are going to assume that anyway!” – Unknown
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“Retired: maker of their own rules. Has no alarm and naps frequently. Doesn’t have to deal with anyone else’s problems.” – Unknown
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“It is so hard to leave – until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” – From “Paper Towns” by John Green
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“I love being a grandparent in retirement. I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.” – Unknown
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“Others will keep working because the “gold” in our so-called “golden years” doesn’t have to come from watching sunsets.” – Arianna Huffington
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“I’m not retiring. I am graduating. Today is my graduation day. Retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
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“The old notion of retirement is dead. It is no longer a day in the distant future when, on reaching your sixty-fifth birthday, you hang up your suit and never return to the office again.” – Martin Bamford, How to Retire 10 Years Early
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“Retirement is still a perfectly good word, but we need to rein in its usage now that its original meaning is no longer all that relevant because people are living longer, healthier, more active lives.” – Mike Drak, Victory Lap Retirement
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“You can compare a person’s retirement partly to that of an automobile’s or any other device. There comes a time when you have to slow down or completely stop doing what you’ve been doing for the past 20 or 30 years and take a well-deserved break.” – Adrian J. Williams, Retirement: The Ultimate Retirement Planning Guide!
Funny Retirement One-liners
- “65 is the new… what was I saying?”
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“Retirement is the icing on the cake.”
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“I’m retired, every hour is happy hour.”
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“Retirement: where every day is Saturday.”
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“I’m not retired – golfing is a full-time job!”
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“Retirement: World’s longest coffee break.”
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“I’m not retired – knitting is a full-time job!”
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“I’m retired. Your Not. Nah nah nah nah nah.”
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“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!”
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“I am a retired math teacher, I have no problems.”
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“Quit yer yappin’ and give me my damn discount!”
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“Senior Citizen… and Unsolicited Advice Dispenser!”
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“Retired and happy… spending my kids’ inheritance!”
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“Retired, but working part-time spoiling my grandkids!”
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“I’m retired… but I work part-time as a pain in the butt!”
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“Retirement: the pay sucks, but the hours are really good!”
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“Retirement is what you do between doctor appointments.”
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“You are a person I really admire, because you are a person who gets to retire.”
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“A lot of our friends complain about their retirement. We tell ’em to get a life.” – Larry Laser
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“Retirement is life’s way of telling you that you are too old and too weak to work any longer.”
Retirement Wishes For Greeting Cards
People retire at an age around 65 and try to relax and pursue their hobbies for which they could never make the time. Spending time with grandchildren and children and retire from their active workstyle. Retiring also means living on your savings, so you plan your days accordingly.
Also See: Take A Break Quotes
After all the hard work put in years, people including friends, family, colleagues, coworkers congratulate and wish them all the best for their coming years. These quotes are perfect to wish your retiring boss, teachers, doctors and co-workers.
- “Congratulations on your retirement!”
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“We envy you, but are excited for you!”
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“Enjoy being the master of absolutely nothing.”
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“Enjoy your new weekends which will last 7 days!”
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“Congrats on being so tired that you had to retire.”
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“It’s time to work on your golf game, enjoy retirement!”
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“Go make the most of your days and enjoy your retirement.”
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“Congratulations! We hope you enjoy every minute of your retirement!”
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“Happy Retirement! All the best to you and your family at this exciting time.”
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“I’m pretty jealous of you, but needless to say, I’m happy for your retirement.”
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“Congratulations on extending your weekend by five days. Happy retirement!”
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“It’s your time to relax! Congratulations on your retirement – you’ve earned it!”
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“Thank you for being such a great teacher over the years! You will be highly missed.”
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“Retirement is the only real excuse you’ll ever have to spend your entire life’s savings. Have fun!”
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“You are a true friend and an incredibly hard worker. Thank you for your years at this company.”
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“Wishing you a very happy retirement with plenty of time to get through that “to do” list of yours!”
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“Wishing you the best retirement ever! Enjoy the new chapter of your life and enjoy being your own boss.”
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“As a coworker I am really going to miss you! Hope you’ll enjoy every minute of your retirement. Best wishes!”
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“Your bravery has kept us safe and your service helped to make our community better. Happy retirement cop.”
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“In great appreciation for all of your hard year’s teaching, we all want to say thank you for your knowledge and dedication.”
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“It’s a big, beautiful world out there. Adventure and beach awaits! Wishing you all the very best for your retirement!”
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“Congratulations on your retirement – we’re so excited to see you have some time to enjoy and relax after all that hard work!”
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“Boss, while you prepare to retire today, we must confess we enjoyed irritating you in every way possible. Happy retirement!”
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“Wow, I can’t believe you’re actually retiring! Very well deserved after such an amazing career, and I hope you enjoy every moment.”
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“Congratulations on your long-awaited retirement – we’re so happy for you. Enjoy spending more time with your beautiful grandkids!”
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“Wishing you a wonderful retirement. Enjoy this new chapter of your life, and we hope it’s filled with good health, relaxation, and fun!”
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“Happy retirement principal. Always bringing your wisdom and timeless sense of humor with you each and every day. You will be missed.”
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“Dear dad! You gave us more than what we deserved. I am sure you are only retiring from work and not from the joys of life. Happy retirement father.”
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“I’ll miss your energy, enthusiasm, and most of all, your unfailing dedication to helping this place function a little better every day. Wishing you nothing but the best in your retirement.”
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Don’t forget to check out our collection of powerful coworker friendship quotes and relaxing quotes to motivate you to pursue your goals and be successful.
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