145 Funny Retirement Quotes For Coworkers, Friends And Family

Read the best collection of funny retirement quotes, sayings, jokes, puns, one-lines, captions, status messages, and slogans, (with images and pictures) to help your co-worker celebrate retirement with sarcasm and humor if they can handle it.

Retirement refers to the time of life when one chooses to permanently leave the workforce behind. Retiring from your career is a huge life milestone whether you’re happy about it or not.

Also See: Retirement Wishes

The traditional retirement age is 65 in the United States and most other developed countries, many of which have some kind of national pension or benefits system in place to supplement retirees’ incomes.

When people retire after all the hard work for years, they have more time to themselves but their income is limited. So it’s both a happy and not-so-happy situation.

These jokes and puns are on the benefits one enjoys which come with retirement and the after-effects.

Also check out our post on me time quotes and self care quotes which will inspire you to have more mental clarity, focus, and give up the habit of overthinking.

Funny Retirement Quotes And Sayings

  1. “You’re retired – goodbye tension, hello pension!” – Unknown

  2. “You can retire, but you can’t retire from being great!” – Anon

  3. “Retired but hard at work. Spoiling my grandkids.” – Unknown

  4. “Retired. Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.” – Unknown                                                                                               

    funny retirement quotes
    funny retirement quotes

  5. “The money’s no better in retirement but the hours are!” – Unknown

  6. “What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays? Retired!” – Anon

  7. “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons

  8. “Except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.” – Robert Benchley

  9. “The challenge of retirement is how to spend time without spending money.” – Unknown

  10. “There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.” – Robert Half

  11. “Working people have a lot of bad habits, but the worst of these is work.” – Clarence Darrow

  12. “I am so busy since I have retired, I may have to go back to work to get a rest.” – Uncle Dude                                                         

    retirement quotes funny
    retirement quotes funny

  13. “Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache unless you play golf.” – Gene Perret

  14. “Before you’d have to wait for holidays, now the rest of your life is one! Do enjoy it.” – Unknown

  15. “Retirement is when you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.” – Unknown

  16. “I retired early for health reasons. My company was sick of me and I was sick of them.” – Unknown

  17. “I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day.” – Gene Perret

  18. “The legend has officially retired. If you want to talk you’ll be charged a consulting fee.” – Unknown

  19. “Retired is being tired twice, I’ve thought, first tired of working, then tired of not.” – Richard Armour

  20. “Retirement marks the transition from working under one boss to a new one called wife.” – Unknown                                                                                                                                                                                                         

    funny quotes about retirement
    funny quotes about retirement

  21. “No more alarm clocks for you – you can go back to sleep or get up – it is entirely up to you!” – Unknown

  22. “Warning: Retired person on premises. Knows everything, and has plenty of time to tell it!” – Unknown

  23. “Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.” – Gene Perret

  24. “When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez

  25. “Your retirement bring out a lot of emotions in me but I’d have to say envy is the biggest one!” – Unknown

  26. “Retirement is when you switch bosses from the one who hired you to the one who married you.” – Gene Perret

  27. “Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” – Gene Perret

  28. “Retirement: That’s when you return from work one day and say: “Hi, Honey, I’m home – forever.” – Gene Perret

  29. “Retirement is waking up in the morning with nothing to do and by bedtime having done only half of it.” – Unknown

  30. “Retirement: No job, no stress, no The best part about being retired is never having to request time off.” – Unknown

  31. “I’m not just retiring from the company. I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.” – Hartman Jule

  32. “Happy days are here at last. The days of 9 to 5 are past. I’ve worked all my life and paid my dues, now… I’ll do what I choose!” – Unknown

  33. “When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.” – R.C. Sherriff

  34. “We have no porch, no rocking chair – and no time. My biggest need is a calendar because there are so many things to do.” – Maurice Musholt

  35. “Retirement, a time to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, where you want to do it, and how you want to do it.” – Catherine Pulsifer

  36. “Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.” – Jonathan Clements

  37. “Congratulations on retiring from your job before the soul-crushing despair of your workplace destroyed your chances of enjoying retirement.” – Unknown

  38. “Retirement is the beginning of the time when you can sit back and give advice to others, even though you never followed it in your own life.” – Unknown

  39. “Happy days are here at last, the days of nine to five are passed, you’ve worked your life and paid your dues, now you can do just what you choose!” – Anon

  40. “Now it is your turn to be shown the door. Retirement is a polite way of saying you are past your due date and you need to get out. Happy retirement.” – Unknown

  41. “Retirement is the only thing that will make you realize how you wasted all these years trying to be mature when you can get back to being a child at the end of it all..” – Unknown

  42. “Retirement Schedule: Monday – brush teeth. Tuesday – comb hair. Wednesday – trim nasal hairs. Thursday – shower. Friday – put on clean clothes. Saturday – shave. Sunday – consider changing underwear.” – Unknown

  43. “There is no need to be bound by convention, push the envelope, do it weird, do it different, but most of all, do it fun! Be that cigar-chomping rock’n’roll granny if it takes your fancy.” – From “101 Fun Things to do in Retirement” by Stella Rheingold

Funny Quotes About Retirement

Funny retirement quotes make light of a person’s final job and help people cope with their new stage of life. From funny retirement one liners to retirement toast quotes, short puns and funny sayings about retirement have a variety of uses.

  1. “Goodbye to 9 to 5. Hello, time!” – Unknown

  2. “Officially retired. Let the fun begin.” – Unknown

  3. “Retirement: No job, no stress, no pay!” – Unknown                                                                                                                               

    jokes funny retirement quotes
    jokes funny retirement quotes

  4. “Retirement is just a never-ending vacation.” – Unknown

  5. “Strategic retirement plan: rest, relax, repeat.” – Unknown

  6. “Happiness is being like you – retired!” – Catherine Pulsifer

  7. “Retirement is when having a good time is your only job.” – Anon                                                                                                       

    quotes about retirement funny
    quotes about retirement funny

  8. “Retired. Under new management. See wife for details.” – Unknown

  9. “I am a free man. I feel as light as a feather.” – Javier Perez De Cuellar

  10. “Think about retirement as being two six-month holidays per year.” – Unknown

  11. “The world’s longest coffee break is often referred to as retirement.” – Unknown

  12. “Retired nurse. Under new management. See grandkids for details.” – Unknown

  13. “Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living.” – Anon

  14. “Just chill out! You have worked hard all your life… You deserve it!” – Unknown

  15. “I don’t always enjoy being a retired police officer, oh wait, yes I do!” – Unknown

  16. “Now Fridays aren’t the best day of the week anymore… they all are!” – Unknown

  17. “I don’t want to, I don’t have to, you can’t make me do it. I’m retired!” – Unknown

  18. “Behind every retired man is a wife, wishing he would go back to work.” – Unknown                                                             

    funny retirement saying
    funny retirement saying

  19. “I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy.” – Danny McGoorty

  20. “Retirement itself is the best gift. No gold watch could ever top it.” – Abigail Charleson

  21. “You might be on the back nine of life, but it’s good to finish strong.” – Morton Shaevitz

  22. “Age is just a number, but retirement is one of the greatest gifts to mankind.” – Unknown

  23. “Retirement is not the end of the road. It is the beginning of the open highway.” – Unknown

  24. “Caution: Retired: Knows everything and has plenty of time to tell you about it.” – Unknown

  25. “If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.” – Paulo Coelho

  26. “It’s sad to say goodbye, but great to see you are on your way to greener pastures.” – Unknown

  27. “Stop sending us cards of your holidays. Some of us are younger and still at work!” – Unknown

  28. “When is a retiree’s bedtime? About 30 minutes after they fall asleep on the couch.” – Unknown

  29. “Why do retirees smile all the time? Because they can’t hear a word you are saying!” – Unknown

  30. “Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to great places. You’re off and away!” – Dr. Seuss

  31. “Don’t act your age in retirement. Act like the inner young person you have always been.” – J.A. West

  32. “Just think, you’ll never have to sit in on another conference call. Enjoy your retirement!” – Unknown

  33. “Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors? Because the term comes with a 10% discount.” – Unknown

  34. “Often when you think you’re at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else.” – Fred Rogers

  35. “If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.” – Doug Larson

  36. “How do you know it’s time to retire? It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!” – Unknown

  37. “Just when the woman thinks they got rid of their kids for living in the house, the husband decides to retire.” – Unknown

  38. “I never reveal my age, but I do let people know I’m retired. They can just guess my age from that statement.” – Unknown

  39. “Retirement is the time when you never do all the things you intended to do when you were still working.” – Unknown

  40. “Retirement is a blank sheet of paper. It is a chance to redesign your life into something new and different.” – Patrick Foley

  41. “I work harder now that I have retired from corporate life, than when I actually worked, but I love it.” – Catherine Pulsifer

  42. “We no longer follow traditional retirement models. We have rebelled against them.” – Margaret Nash, The Retirement Rebel

  43. “Retirement can be: Volunteering, fun, freedom, working less, travel, family, friendship, new business, hobbies.” – Unknown

  44. “It doesn’t matter whether you behave like a grumpy retiree or not… because people are going to assume that anyway!” – Unknown

  45. “Retired: maker of their own rules. Has no alarm and naps frequently. Doesn’t have to deal with anyone else’s problems.” – Unknown

  46. “It is so hard to leave – until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” – From “Paper Towns” by John Green

  47. “I love being a grandparent in retirement. I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.” – Unknown

  48. “Others will keep working because the “gold” in our so-called “golden years” doesn’t have to come from watching sunsets.” – Arianna Huffington

  49. “I’m not retiring. I am graduating. Today is my graduation day. Retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau

  50. “The old notion of retirement is dead. It is no longer a day in the distant future when, on reaching your sixty-fifth birthday, you hang up your suit and never return to the office again.” – Martin Bamford, How to Retire 10 Years Early

  51. “Retirement is still a perfectly good word, but we need to rein in its usage now that its original meaning is no longer all that relevant because people are living longer, healthier, more active lives.” – Mike Drak, Victory Lap Retirement

  52. “You can compare a person’s retirement partly to that of an automobile’s or any other device. There comes a time when you have to slow down or completely stop doing what you’ve been doing for the past 20 or 30 years and take a well-deserved break.” – Adrian J. Williams, Retirement: The Ultimate Retirement Planning Guide!

Funny Retirement One-liners

  1. “65 is the new… what was I saying?” 

  2. “Retirement is the icing on the cake.” 

  3. “I’m retired, every hour is happy hour.” 

  4. “Retirement: where every day is Saturday.” 

  5. “I’m not retired – golfing is a full-time job!” 

  6. “Retirement: World’s longest coffee break.” 

  7. “I’m not retired – knitting is a full-time job!” 

  8. “I’m retired. Your Not. Nah nah nah nah nah.” 

  9. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!” 

  10. “I am a retired math teacher, I have no problems.” 

  11. “Quit yer yappin’ and give me my damn discount!” 

  12. “Senior Citizen… and Unsolicited Advice Dispenser!” 

  13. “Retired and happy… spending my kids’ inheritance!” 

  14. “Retired, but working part-time spoiling my grandkids!” 

  15. “I’m retired… but I work part-time as a pain in the butt!” 

  16. “Retirement: the pay sucks, but the hours are really good!” 

  17. “Retirement is what you do between doctor appointments.” 

  18. “You are a person I really admire, because you are a person who gets to retire.” 

  19. “A lot of our friends complain about their retirement. We tell ’em to get a life.” – Larry Laser

  20. “Retirement is life’s way of telling you that you are too old and too weak to work any longer.” 

Retirement Wishes For Greeting Cards

People retire at an age around 65 and try to relax and pursue their hobbies for which they could never make the time. Spending time with grandchildren and children and retire from their active workstyle. Retiring also means living on your savings, so you plan your days accordingly.

Also See: Take A Break Quotes

After all the hard work put in years, people including friends, family, colleagues, coworkers congratulate and wish them all the best for their coming years. These quotes are perfect to wish your retiring boss, teachers, doctors and co-workers.

  1. “Congratulations on your retirement!” 

  2. “We envy you, but are excited for you!”

  3. “Enjoy being the master of absolutely nothing.”

  4. “Enjoy your new weekends which will last 7 days!”

  5. “Congrats on being so tired that you had to retire.”

  6. “It’s time to work on your golf game, enjoy retirement!”

  7. “Go make the most of your days and enjoy your retirement.”

  8. “Congratulations! We hope you enjoy every minute of your retirement!”

  9. “Happy Retirement! All the best to you and your family at this exciting time.”

  10. “I’m pretty jealous of you, but needless to say, I’m happy for your retirement.”

  11. “Congratulations on extending your weekend by five days. Happy retirement!”

  12. “It’s your time to relax! Congratulations on your retirement – you’ve earned it!”

  13. “Thank you for being such a great teacher over the years! You will be highly missed.”

  14. “Retirement is the only real excuse you’ll ever have to spend your entire life’s savings. Have fun!”

  15. “You are a true friend and an incredibly hard worker. Thank you for your years at this company.”

  16. “Wishing you a very happy retirement with plenty of time to get through that “to do” list of yours!”

  17. “Wishing you the best retirement ever! Enjoy the new chapter of your life and enjoy being your own boss.”

  18. “As a coworker I am really going to miss you! Hope you’ll enjoy every minute of your retirement. Best wishes!”

  19. “Your bravery has kept us safe and your service helped to make our community better. Happy retirement cop.”

  20. “In great appreciation for all of your hard year’s teaching, we all want to say thank you for your knowledge and dedication.”

  21. “It’s a big, beautiful world out there. Adventure and beach awaits! Wishing you all the very best for your retirement!”

  22. “Congratulations on your retirement – we’re so excited to see you have some time to enjoy and relax after all that hard work!”

  23. “Boss, while you prepare to retire today, we must confess we enjoyed irritating you in every way possible. Happy retirement!”

  24. “Wow, I can’t believe you’re actually retiring! Very well deserved after such an amazing career, and I hope you enjoy every moment.”

  25. “Congratulations on your long-awaited retirement – we’re so happy for you. Enjoy spending more time with your beautiful grandkids!”

  26. “Wishing you a wonderful retirement. Enjoy this new chapter of your life, and we hope it’s filled with good health, relaxation, and fun!”

  27. “Happy retirement principal. Always bringing your wisdom and timeless sense of humor with you each and every day. You will be missed.”

  28. “Dear dad! You gave us more than what we deserved. I am sure you are only retiring from work and not from the joys of life. Happy retirement father.”

  29. “I’ll miss your energy, enthusiasm, and most of all, your unfailing dedication to helping this place function a little better every day. Wishing you nothing but the best in your retirement.”

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Don’t forget to check out our collection of powerful coworker friendship quotes and relaxing quotes to motivate you to pursue your goals and be successful.

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