40 Steven Wright Quotes & Jokes To Make You Laugh

Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is one of the greatest stand-up comics of his time best known for his hilarious one-liners and deadpan delivery of witty jokes. Here are the best Steven Wright quotes that will surely make you laugh.

His comedy stands out for its slow, deliberate, monotone delivery – the deadpan style. His witty and clever one-liners cover everything from everyday stuff to deep thoughts.

Wright’s humor deals with the surreal and the absurd, with jokes that leave the audiences burst into laughter while wondering about their deeper meaning.

His significant presence in the comedy world earned him a spot on Rolling Stone’s list of the 50 Greatest Stand-Up Comics. His outstanding work has also led to Grammy award nominations.

To honor him on his birthday, we have brought you the most famous and funny Steven Wright quotes from the man who has time and again proved that laughter is the best medicine for all your problems.

Top 10 Steven Wright Quotes

  1. “What’s another word for Thesaurus?” — Steven Wright
  2. “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.” — Steven Wright                                                       

    Famous Steven Wright Quotes
    Famous Steven Wright Quotes
  3. “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” — Steven Wright                                                  

    Steven Wright Quotes
    Steven Wright Quotes
  4. “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.” — Steven Wright                                             

    Quotes By Steven Wright
    Quotes By Steven Wright
  5. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.” — Steven Wright                                         

    Quotes From Steven Wright
    Quotes From Steven Wright
  6. “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” — Steven Wright                                      

    Best Steven Wright Quotes
    Best Steven Wright Quotes
  7. “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” — Steven Wright           

    Steven Wright One Liners
    Steven Wright One Liners
  8. “Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” — Steven Wright                                                                                                                                                                             

    Funny Steven Wright Quotes
    Funny Steven Wright Quotes
  9. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” — Steven Wright
  10. “I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” — Steven Wright

Quotes By Steven Wright

  1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” — Steven Wright
  2. “Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.” — Steven Wright
  3. “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” — Steven Wright
  4. “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.” — Steven Wright
  5. “When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” — Steven Wright
  6. “The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.” — Steven Wright
  7. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” — Steven Wright
  8. “I took a course in speed waiting. Now, I can’t wait an hour in only 10 minutes.” — Steven Wright
  9. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” — Steven Wright
  10. “If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? ” — Steven Wright

Funny Steven Wright Quotes

  1. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.” — Steven Wright
  2. “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?” — Steven Wright
  3. “Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?” — Steven Wright
  4. “My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.” — Steven Wright
  5. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.” — Steven Wright
  6. “My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.” — Steven Wright
  7. “You can’t have everything … where would you put it?” — Steven Wright
  8. “I’m so tired… I was up all night trying to round off infinity.” — Steven Wright
  9. “Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.” — Steven Wright
  10. “If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?” — Steven Wright

More Quotes From Steven Wright

  1. “The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.” – Steven Wright
  2. “Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.” – Steven Wright
  3. “The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.” – Steven Wright
  4. “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.” – Steven Wright
  5. “The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.” – Steven Wright
  6. “The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.” – Steven Wright
  7. “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” – Steven Wright
  8. “I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.” — Steven Wright
  9. “I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”” – Steven Wright
  10. “The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”” – Steven Wright

More About Steven Wright

Born on December 6, 1955, in Cambridge, Massachusetts, Steven Wright has carved out a distinctive place for himself in the world of comedy, earning a devoted fan base and critical acclaim.

Throughout his career, Steven Wright has made numerous appearances on television and in stand-up comedy specials.

From appearing on popular late-night shows like “The Tonight Show” and “Late Night with David Letterman” to receiving an Academy Award for his short film “The Appointments of Dennis Jennings”, Wright became a beloved figure for his deadpan delivery, clever wordplay, and surreal observations.


What are your favorite quotes by Steven Wright quotes and sayings listed above? If there is a quote that we’ve missed then let us know in the comments section what your thoughts are.

Also, feel free to share with friends and family on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, WhatsApp, and more to spread positive vibes.

Share the inspiration with friends & family!