60 Mitch Hedberg Quotes To Make You Laugh (Funny)

If you love unconventional humor and one-liners then read these Mitch Hedberg quotes, jokes, and sayings for a good laugh.

Mitch Hedberg was a popular American stand-up comedian known for his distinctive one-liner jokes and deadpan delivery.

Hedberg’s style and wit have inspired many comedians and his jokes have become legendary in the world of comedy.

Despite his untimely death in 2005, his legacy lives on through his memorable quotes and the continued influence he has on the world of stand-up comedy.

Top 10 Mitch Hedberg Quotes

  1. “A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.” – Mitch Hedberg
  2. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.” – Mitch Hedberg
  3. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” – Mitch Hedberg
  4. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg                                                  Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes
  5. “Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.” – Mitch Hedberg
  6. “Rice is great if you’re hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.” – Mitch Hedberg                                  quotes by mitch hedberg
  7. “Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.” – Mitch Hedberg
  8. “I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” – Mitch Hedberg
  9. “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.” – Mitch Hedberg                                                                                                                                                     

    mitch hedberg quotes
    mitch hedberg quotes
  10. “I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.” — Mitch Hedberg                                                                                                                                                       

    quotes from mitch hedberg
    quotes from mitch hedberg
  11. “An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.” – Mitch Hedberg                                                                                                                                                                                                       

    quotes mitch hedberg
    quotes mitch hedberg

Famous Quotes From Mitch Hedberg

  1. “Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!” – Mitch Hedberg
  2. “Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” – Mitch Hedberg
  3. “I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.” – Mitch Hedberg
  4. “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of folks. And it was way too literal for me.” – Mitch Hedberg
  5. “I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.” – Mitch Hedberg
  6. “I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.” – Mitch Hedberg
  7. “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.” – Mitch Hedberg
  8. “You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.” – Mitch Hedberg
  9. “I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil — and the devil was dill.” – Mitch Hedberg
  10. “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.” – Mitch Hedberg

Best Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

  1. Dogs are forever in the push-up position.” – Mitch Hedberg
  2. “I remixed a remix… It was back to normal.” – Mitch Hedberg                                                                      mitch hedberg one liners
  3. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” – Mitch Hedberg
  4. “I wear a necklace cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” – Mitch Hedberg
  5. “I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.” ― Mitch Hedberg
  6. “Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?” – Mitch Hedberg
  7. “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.” – Mitch Hedberg
  8. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.” – Mitch Hedberg
  9. “I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.” – Mitch Hedberg
  10. “My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the heck’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?” – Mitch Hedberg
  11. “I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.” – Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

  1. “Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps.” – Mitch Hedberg
  2. “I like Kit Kats unless I’m with four or more people.” – Mitch Hedberg
  3. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” – Mitch Hedberg
  4. “It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?” – Mitch Hedberg
  5. “What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.” – Mitch Hedberg
  6. “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.” – Mitch Hedberg
  7. “I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.” – Mitch Hedberg
  8. “Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.” – Mitch Hedberg
  9. “I like to close my eyes on the stage because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.” – Mitch Hedberg
  10. “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!” – Mitch Hedberg
  11. “I want to get a vending machine, with fun-sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.” – Mitch Hedberg
  12. “So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.” – Mitch Hedberg
  13. “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.” – Mitch Hedberg
  14. “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”” – Mitch Hedberg
  15. “I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” – Mitch Hedberg

Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes

  1. “This shirt is dry clean only… which means it’s dirty.” – Mitch Hedberg
  2. “If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.” – Mitch Hedberg
  3. “I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.” – Mitch Hedberg
  4. “I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same.” – Mitch Hedberg
  5. “I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It’s like, ‘Dude, you have to wait.’” – Mitch Hedberg
  6. “I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.” – Mitch Hedberg
  7. “I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Mitch Hedberg
  8. “Listerine hurts. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I’m angry. Germs do not go quietly.” – Mitch Hedberg
  9. “I was at a bar, and the bartender asked me, ‘What’ll you have?’ I said, ‘Surprise me.’ He showed me a naked picture of my wife.” – Mitch Hedberg
  10. “I was gonna stay overnight at my friend’s house, he said “You’re going to have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity. Got me again!”” – Mitch Hedberg
  11. “People teach their dogs to sit, it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.” – Mitch Hedberg
  12. “One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger.” – Mitch Hedberg
  13. “Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ‘em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.” – Mitch Hedberg
  14. “I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.” – Mitch Hedberg
  15. “On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana, it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?” – Mitch Hedberg


His ability to find humor in the most mundane situations and his clever use of wordplay and absurdity set him apart as a truly unique and talented comedian.

Although Hedberg is no longer with us, his jokes continue to inspire and entertain audiences around the world, and his place in the pantheon of great comedians is secure.

Which is your favorite road quote? If we have missed some quotes, share them with us in the comment section below and we shall be happy to add them to the list.

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