150+ Funny Facebook Status Messages

Hundreds of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook status messages and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

List of Funny, Humorous, Facebook Status Messages

  1. “The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.”
  2. Heaven’s most beautiful angel into my life.
  3. In this loveliest of seasons may you find many reasons for happiness.
  4. The road to success is always under construction.
  5. Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
  6. Style is a way to say who you are without speaking.
  7. “What people say to your face is not a problem. The problem is what they say behind your back.”
  8. “Every burden is a blessing.”
  9. “Don’t give cherries to pigs or advice to fools.”
  10. “Silence is the best answer to a FOOL.”
  11. “Men also have FEELINGS, for example they can feel HUNGRY.”
  12. “‪I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house. It was delicious.”
  13. “The value of one half depends upon the other. Happy Anniversary.”
  14. “All I want for Christmas is an air hockey table. It will go great with my air guitar.”
  15. “I know i am awesome, so I don’t care about your opinion.”
  16. “I was reminded that my blood type is Be Positive.”
  17. “If you can;t convince them, confuse them.”
  18. “Do you know full form of wife Worries in life Forever.”
  19. “In the cookies of life, sisters are the chocolate chips.”
  20. “Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i’m ready to go back to bed …”
  21. “Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn’t.”
  22. ““I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I’m telling mom””
  23. “You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.”
  24. “My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile”
  25. “An ugly personality destroy a pretty face.”
  26. “”This is the ride that killed Jimmy.” – me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
  27. “Found out today you cannot join a gym “just to watch”.”
  28. “A bend in the road is not the end of the road…unless you fail to make the turn.”
  29. “People say me bad..but trust me I am the worst!”
  30. “y doctor said he’s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?”
  31. “Galileo-Great mind! Einstein-genius mind! Newton-Extraordinary mind! Bill gates-brilliant mind.. ME-Never Mind!”
  32. “Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?”
  33. “‘d publish my autobiography but it’s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.”
  34. “Who did you vote for?☐ Clinton ☐ Trump ☑ Vodka
  35. “Tired of those Political Ads on television?…… You may be entitled to compensation.”
  36. “I’ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.”
  37. “A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.”
  38. “Studies show that 99% of Dans are not “the man.”
  39. “f you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?”
  40. “What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?”
  41. “I  forgot to work out today. That’s 5 years in a row!”
  42. “You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.”
  43. “I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.”
  44. “Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.”
  45. “I don’t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.”
  46. “That awkward moment when you have a crush on the most inconvenient person possible.”
  47. “What’s up cake?” “Muffin much.”
  48. “I am 100% done with today and about 37% done with tomorrow.”
  49. “It’s not a pyramid scheme” is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes”
  50. “I don’t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide…”
  51. ” I only enjoy making friends in non election years.”
  52. “hey say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people.”
  53. “My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.”
  54. “My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.”
  55. “OK. Who decided to call it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody?”
  56. “That moment when someone you met for 3 seconds sends you a Facebook friend request.”
  57. “The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.”
  58. “One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.”
  59. “alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, “why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?”
  60. “Friends are like boobs… Some are real some are fake.”
  61. “I wasn’t drunk, I was just testing if the plant was as soft as my bed.”
  62. “Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.”
  63. “Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.”
  64. “Broken pencils are pointless.”
  65. ” I wasn’t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.”
  66. “This is the ride that killed Jimmy.” – me in line, loudly, at amusement parks”
  67. “My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.”
  68. “My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument
  69. “Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.”
  70. “Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.”
  71. “Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
  72. “You look like I need a drink.”
  73. “I hate when I’m laughing & my ass falls off.”
  74. “Me without you is like Facebook with no friends, YouTube with no videos, and Google with no results.”
  75. “That moment when the random person you just met asks for your full name, and you know it’s because they want to stalk you on Facebook”
  76. “Every time I put my phone on silent it decides to play ‘Hide and seek’.”
  77. “If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail”
  78. “A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.”
  79. “Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!”
  80. “Work until you don’t have to, introduce yourself.”
  81. “People are like ‘MuSic’ some say the ‘TrUth’ and rest,just noise..”
  82. “I miss the days when I was put my head on my desk…”
  83. “I’ve never been skydiving,, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.”
  84. “You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.”
  85. “How can i miss something i never had?”
  86. “Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna’ be a great day.”
  87. “I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.”
  88. “6 Peg Loading .. :D”
  89. “My study period = 15 minutes. My break time = 3 hours.”
  90. “People who exercise live longer, but what’s the point when those extra years are spent at gym.”
  91. “We are WTF generation …. WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook :D”
  92. “I want some one to give me a Loan and then leave me Alone. :)”
  93. “The only thing I gained so far in THIS YEAR is weight :)”
  94. “Flirtationship: More than a friendship and less than a relationship.”
  95. “I only need 3 things in life: Food, Wifi, Sleep :)”
  96. “I’ve had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. :)”
  97. “Some people should have multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities.”
  98. “I grew up being told not to write on the walls. Felt like such a badass when I first joined Facebook.”
  99. “The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time.”
  100. “Be smart, pretend to be stupid!”
  101. “Google turned 12 this year, so now we have 1 more year to use it before it turns into a teenager and wont answer anything!”
  102. “Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :D”
  103. “I am sure I have a defective iPhone, I keep pressing the home button and I’m still at work.”
  104. “My bed is always extra comfortable when I need to get out of it in the morning.”
  105. “If school has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking :)”
  106. “I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them :)”
  107. “I can handle pain until it hurts.”
  108. “I didn’t see anyone important yesterday, so I’ll probably wear these same clothes today.”
  109. “Sometimes when my internet is down,i forget that the rest of my computer still works.”
  110. “All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.”
  111. “My wallet is like an Onion, when I open it. It makes me cry.”
  112. “I like going into McDonald’s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.”
  113. “‘ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.”
  114. “As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.”
  115. “Someday I will disappoint a burglar with my one drawer of Taco Bell mild sauce packets.”
  116. “Velcro.
    What a rip off!!”
  117. “If I had a pound for every time I got suspicious…I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?”
  118. “I wish the “Do not ask me again” option existed in real life…”
  119. “So remember, for every action,,,,, there is an equal and opposite social media overreaction.”
  120. “That’s so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect.”
  121. “How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love? “
  122. “-Monday -Tuesday -Wednesday -Thursday -Blink -Monday.”
  123. “Gravity always gets me down. :)”
  124. “What do girls want? EVERYTHING!!!”
  125. “Laziness Is The Mother Of All Bad Habits But Ultimately She Is A Mother And We Should Respect Her.”
  126. “Never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new ones, try a different one each day.”
  127. “You can never really say what’s on your mind, when your family is on Facebook.”
  128. “Our generation doesn’t ring the doorbell…we text or call to say we’re outside…”
  129. “Don’t you hate it when your having a good day and then a human being tries to talk to you?”
  130. “People who cancel their Facebook account are the real heroes.”
  131. “I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. :p”
  132. “Dear mom and dad, when I lie to you, it’s for your own good. :P”
  133. “Every time I drink I get awesome :-)”
  134. “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
  135. “Silence is the best answer of all questions and Smile is the best reaction in all situations. Unfortunately, both never help in VIVA & INTERVIEW.”
  136. “The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.”
  137. “It pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script!”
  138. “For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember. that’s where the knives are kept.”
  139. “I’m pretty sure the best thing about Facebook is the ability to read other people’s fights.”
  140. “That awkward moment when someone *Likes* One of your Very old Facebook statuses and you think “Creeper”.
  141. “Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.”
  142. “I wonder what happens when doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.”
  143. “Can’t talk, telepathy only!”
  144. “One wise guy invented mobile application Whatsapp…..and his wife added last seen feature.”
  145. “Eat…sleep….regret……repeat.”
  146. “God is really creative , i mean ..just look at me ?”
  147. “One person’s LOL is another’s WTF!”
  148. “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
  149. “Status: I can’t log into Facebook.”
  150. “I hate math, but I love counting money.”
  151. “Whenever I think of quit smoking, I need a cigarette.”
  152. “I’m in desperate need of a 6-month vacation… twice a year.”
  153. “I talk to myself often that way I ensure I am talking to the better class of people.”
  154. “Sleep till you’re hungry….Eat till you’re sleepy.”
  155. “Tried to loose weight…….But it keeps finding me.”
  156. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”
  157. “I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.”
  158. “I need Google in my brain.”
  159. “Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.”
  160. “That awkward moment when you’re trying to ignore a call and accidentally answer it.”
  161. “SAVE PAPER, DON’T DO HOME WORK.”
  162. “What if we CAN breathe in space and they just don’t want us to escape?”
  163. “They say women only use 10% of their anger”
  164. “Stop checking my status ! Go Get A Life ?”
  165. “I’m not arguing, I’m simply tried to explaining why I’m Right.”
  166. “Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.”
  167. “Some people are better kept only as Facebook friends and never to be interacted with in real life.”
  168. “There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hope you had a good laugh! 🙂
Looking forward to reading more of your favorite funniest Facebook status updates in the comments section below.

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