Category: Funny Quotes

Weekend Calling!! Finally, after a hectic week full of workloads, targets and pressures and morons comes the weekend, time to unwind and relax! Let us put away the "Why so serious" face and have some fun with this Funny, Witty, Bitchy Sarcastic Quotes and Picture Quotes. It's time to be rude in humor, Enjoy!! Best Sarcastic Quotes for You Witty Sarcastic Quotes "Zombies eat brains. You’re safe." "You go girl! And don’t come back." "Silence is golden, duct tape is silver." "Jealously is a disease…get well soon!!!" "I’m smiling…that alone should scare you." "You sound better with your mouth closed." "If I promise to miss you, will you go away?" "I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter." "Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested." "I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong." "Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!" "Me pretending to listen should be enough for you." "I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it." "Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either." "I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?" "Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm." "It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste." "Tell me… Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?" "Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems." "What did I do to give you the impression I actually care about what you think?" "That is the ugliest top Ive ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly." "People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world!" "I’m definitely a morning person but often choose to sleep straight through it." "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak." "When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." Quotes About Being Sarcastic "If anything can go wrong, it will."- Murphy’s Laws "Everyone seems normal until you get to know them." "I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today." "Are you always so stupid or is today a special ocassion?" "If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor." "I am not young enough to know everything."- Oscar Wilde "I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead." "If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me." "I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here." "Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything." "I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words." "If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ." "Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs."- Robin Williams "You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed." "I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew." "I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life." "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."- Albert Einstein "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."- Murphy’s Laws "History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." – Abba Eban "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."- Albert Einstein Epic Sarcastic Quotes "Find your patience before I lose mine." "I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you." "My ex had one very annoying habit :Breathing." "Sarcasm is a body's natural defense against stupid." "Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking." "I'm not sarcastic. I'm just beyond your understanding." "Sarcasm: because beating the crap outta people is illegal." "Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand." "Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it." "I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence." "If you don't want a sarcastic answer, then don't ask a stupid question." "Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun." "Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving." "If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." "Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence."- Ashleigh Brilliant "Going to church doesn't make you Christian; any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." "The awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced that people actually think you are stupid." "Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face." "Money doesn’t make you happy. I have 50 million dollars now but I was just as happy when I only had 48 million." "Why you hire a photographer:That phone pic you took of yourself in your bathroom mirror really isn't doing you justice." Funny Sarcastic Quotes On Life "Life’s good, you should get one." "All the good ones are taken."– Murphy’s Laws "Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught."– Murphy’s Laws "If the person isn’t taken, there’s a reason."– Murphy’s Laws "Violence won’t solve anything. But it sure makes me feel good." "Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often." "No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time." "The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog."– Mark Twain "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments." "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."– Oscar Wilde "Babies are so lucky. They can sleep all day and everyone still would be proud of them." "The best things in the world are free – and worth every penny of it."– Murphy’s Laws "Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." "My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know." "If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction." "Askhole. A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them." "Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’."– Robin Williams "Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."– Robin Williams "Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?" "The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes, otherwise, I would have sent a letter by fucking mail." Sarcastic Love Quotes "Single? No, I'm just in a relationship with freedom." "81% of boys have girlfriends. Rest 19% have brains." "Dear weather, don't be so cool and romantic! We're single." "Call her beautiful, not hot. She's a woman, not temperature." "Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else." "Oh… I didn’t tell you. Then it must be none of your business." "Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?" "It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel."– Woody Allen "What is it called when your crush has a crush on you - Imagination." "Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."– Murphy’s Laws "I think I'm in a love triangle, I love myself, myself loves me, me loves I." "My girlfriend is so good at playing hide and seek. I haven’t found her yet." "Behind every angry woman stands a man wh has aboslutely no idea what he did wrong." "Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position."– Murphy’s Laws "Before falling in love, remember a girl's mood can change in just like 0.0003 seconds." "Dear heart, please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood that's it." "Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love."– Benjamin Disraeli "2 minutes of silence for those 13-17 year old girls who think their boyfriends will marry them." "Ladies! Stop wasting your time looking for Mr. Right. Just find the Mr. Left and drag that idiot to the right." "The brain is most outstanding organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love." "Two types of people who can't sleep at night : those who are in love and those who have good internet connections." "Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine." "If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel." Sarcastic Work Quotes "The reward for good work is more work." "It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care." "Nothing brightens up a room like your absence." "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." "I can barely wait to take credit for your great ideas." "Leaving the office for lunch is the new vacation day." "This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lightning." "We’re all going to really miss doing your work for you." "You don’t have to be crazy to work here. We’ll train you." "You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it sure helps." "Please try to schedule meetings around my job interviews." "I actively avoid office politics by hating everybody equally." "I’d have better people skills if I worked with better people." "I send pointless emails late at night to impress coworkers." "There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation." "I wake up with a good attitude every day. Then idiots happen." "It’s so quiet in the office today, I can hear myself not working." "I think I heard you say, ‘Blah, blah blah, blah”. Is that correct?" "I wish we worked together so we could hate the same coworkers." "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." "Congratulations on getting promoted to the job you’re already doing." "Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege." "I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception." "We acknowledge that there is no ‘I’ in team, but there is definitely a ‘U’ in cunt." "I work so I can afford the amount of alcohol required to continue going to work." "I’m going to miss having you around to blame for the quality of my work." "When you don’t do it, you’re lazy. When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy." "Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue." "Pride, commitment, and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free." "Everybody brings joy to this office… some when they enter, some when they exit." "Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow." "Appearing busy to avoid being laid off has become more exhausting than actually working." "I’d appreciate you not complaining to me about your job until I have a job to complain about." "The mountain of paperwork on my desk makes me envy the trees that died to produce it." "Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really." "I should get an award for how I’ve managed to not punch you in the face every time I see you." "Ever notice that those who whine the loudest are usually the ones who contributes the least?" "Some people work harder at getting the office temperature right than they do at their actual job." "Let’s spend countless hours preparing for a meeting that will be delayed, canceled, or misrepresented." "The only significant difference between work and hell is probably that I would like more people in Hell." "The hardest job in the world is having to listen to you complain about having the hardest job in the world." "In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep."– Albert Einstein "Office politics – you have to learn the rules of the game and then you have to play them better than anyone else." "I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day."- Sarcastic Quotes about work "Sometimes I have my headphones in at work with nothing playing so I don’t have to interact with chatty co-workers." "I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice." "Dear Co-worker, Yes, please continue to talk incessantly even though I’m doing everything I can to avoid making eye contact with you." Bitchy Sarcastic Friendship Quotes "You always do me a favor, when you shut up!" "Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food." "If you have crazy friends then you have everything." "I love my phone because all my friends live inside it." "Friends come and go but enemies remain and build up." "I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship." "You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you." "Good friends don't let their friends do stupid stuff alone." "Never let your best friends get lonely. Keep annoying them." "Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there." "I was an innocent being once...then my best friend came along." "You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang." "Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems." "Tell me how I have upset you because I want to know how to do it again." "True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing." "I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time." "I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways." "Sometimes I think, ‘What is a friend?’ Then I say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with." "Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face." "Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry." "I hope we're friends until we die then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the shit out of people." Inspirational Sarcastic Quotes "Live a life without drama." "Don’t ever regret anything you do." "Things will always turn out better." "Things will always turn out better." "Every calendar’s days are numbered." "Never miss a good chance to shut up." "Don’t ever look back, the past is dead." "When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I." "I can resist everything except temptation." "You never learn anything by doing it right." "Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go." "Always give 100%, except when giving blood." "A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative." "Don’t take life so seriously, it isn’t permanent." "Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught." "Never test the depth of the water with both feet." "Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm." "If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you." "A conclusion is a part where you got tired of thinking." "Life’s too short to worry about what other people think." "If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything." "Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand." "Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield." "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." "Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else." "As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free." "Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often." "A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good." "Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it." "There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works." "If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet." "It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black."– Paul Newman "If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher." "We don’t need CCTV camera in our country. Neighbors and relatives are enough." "A man can be happy with any women, as long as he does not love her."– Oscar Wilde "Whoever said nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door." "The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket." "Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." "Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others."– Ambrose Bierce "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."– Whitney Brown "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day." "There are some people who come in your life pretending that they love you only because they need you."– Uzair Lallmamod "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes." "Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone." Sarcastic Pictures Quotes & Sayings "Shutting the fuck up is gluten free, add that to your diet." "I'm not always rude or sarcastic, Sometimes I'm Asleep." "ABRACADABRA ---Nope---You're Still a Bitch." "What doesn't kill you, disappoints me." "If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ." "I thought I was in a bad mood But it's been few years, So I guess This is who I am." "If your phone doesn't ring, It's ME." "The chains on my mood swing just snapped ---- RUN." "Revenge is beneath me. But Accidents Happen."